Day 3,580 —Afraid of Everything—

        I decided to run a little more today because I have to work late anyway, so there is no reason to rush to get there early. It felt good wearing my shorts and pushing it as hard as I could for some of the run.

I did end up getting tired around mile 6. I probably was just going too fast, or maybe it was because I didn’t get a lot of sleep last night.

My wife and I ended up being up until close to midnight watching a documentary about medication and anxiety.

I’ve never taken anything for anxiety before, but I have heard all the references to Valium and Xanax.

It did allow me to think about it a little more. I realized this, even though I know what it feels like to be afraid and nervous. And when I was younger, I would get so bad I would physically shake. When I started to participate in acting when I was 12, I remember I would grab my pants leg and hold on for dear life while I read my lines.

I can’t say I ever got “over it,” but it wasn’t like I was only afraid when I had to talk in front of people, it was really all social interactions that made me nervous.

Now, I think people probably perceive me as being almost fearless. I often get feedback indicating that I said or did something that others would describe as "bold" or “risky,” but I don’t see things like that. I have only recently started to realize why. It is because when you’re afraid of everything, you’re also seemingly always acting the same, so people don’t notice as much.

I used to think everybody was like me and dealt with the constant fear of “impending doom." However, now I try to see it as my superpower because it takes me the same type of courage to talk to 2 people as it does to talk in front of 500. And, I am not so worried about failing because I think I am already failing and there isn’t much I can do about it.