Day 3,538 —Relief—

When I was in my twenties, I used to feel pressure around the holidays, always wondering, “Am I having a good time?” And upon realizing the contrary, “why not?” Now, I am okay with not having a good time, being open to having a just okay time, or whatever type of time happens on that day. I think I am mostly worried that I am not having a good enough time for everyone else, and I am letting everyone else down for not being more festive, but now, I imagine that is most people's concern! Everyone has automatic thinking that preoccupies them, so what makes me any different? 

Sometimes I think about how hard it must be to have a lot of people depending on you, or just having the ability to make a lot of people happy, like individuals who are considered successful do. It can be awful feeling pressure to make everyone else happy and not considering how, when you deny your happiness, that might affect the same people you’re trying to help. It’s weird but I find that I cannot lie to myself or fake it in any successful way.