Day 4,204—1 Run until the OT: Need to Finish Packing—

 

A man climbed the broadcast tower close to my house yesterday. The police had closed off the area, so I looked it up on the news this morning and read the story. A young guy just went to the tower and started climbing to the top. The story is mainly about the rescue, with a lot of pats on the back from the worker who stepped in to save his life (Steven). I am happy someone was there to step in, but I cannot help but think about the person who just kept climbing and what a cry for help this act was, and how this person will not be saved by one heroic act. They need help for the reason they started climbing, but not one mention of attempts to help the young man was reported.

        Also, I was thinking this morning how much it triggers me when I am burdened with the responsibility of other people’s emotions. The big one is always being angry with me because I upset my mom. He was rarely interested in why or how, but somehow, I was always responsible for how my mom was feeling. It took me years to realize how unhealthy this relationship is and what a burden parents place on their children when they send them the message that if they’re upset, it is the child’s fault and responsibility to make them feel better. Parents, you cannot manage your emotions, so you expect your young child to do it for you?! Not cool. It's not cool for any adult to blame children for how they feel.

        I have so much going on with school and work this time of the year. It is the end of the beginning of the school year, which usually means a sense of loss for the higher expectations that went into the school year. There is still time to work towards a positive conclusion, but the desire to cut my losses and run is also overwhelming. My school year as a counselor isn’t that much different than the past in the type of emotions I am feeling right now. In all honesty, I probably felt less connected in my last job, just because I was working with fewer people and didn’t see the type of results that I did as a teacher. Or maybe “results” is the wrong word; I didn’t see as much evidence of impact from my work. However, I loved the people I worked with, and I felt like I was finally part of a positive community, but I must remember that it didn’t happen overnight. This race couldn’t come at a better time. I need this 100-mile reset so bad right now. It might be difficult to plan and get there on time, but nothing beats being out there on the trail all day, feeling connected with a community of caring people, with nature, and with my body and mind. I feel like so many of the usual culprits are trying to steal my joy, but I am not going to let them.