Day 3,817 —Second Wind: I see you Sun—

 

        Maybe it is finally catching up on some work that is making me feel better, but I think there is more to it than that. Nothing has changed, yet I feel better about how I understand things. Part of the reason is how I can have feelings of being disconnect from my own life. I will always think of it as the “Outline” after reading a nonfiction book with that title, which was about the idea of acting in a way that fits the expectations of the people around you.

         Yesterday, my daughter told me how much she wanted to spend more time with me and “not spend as much time with baby.” We talked about it and figured out a plan for moving forward, but it is hard because “baby” wants to spend time with me all the time. He always wants to go on walks, which I have been trying to do with him every day. Yesterday, he walked another mile!

          Still, the other thing is I feel like I am not capable of being the father that my daughter and son deserve, so whatever I do will only serve to delay the inevitable of them being disappointed, but this is nothing new to me. At the same time, I feel like that as a teacher. When kids treat me like a teacher and expect me to teach them, I am somehow perplexed by this expectation like this is new information. I feel inadequate to fulfill most expectations of interpersonal relationships. I am not complaining, it is just something I have been thinking about, so maybe it is okay.