Day 3,764 —Running with a Vest Day V: Silenced by the Thought—

This morning the vest didn’t bother me so much, and I didn’t feel the lethargy of yesterday. Instead, I was distracted thinking about the day, my past, and this coming year. So much of me still doesn’t believe that this year is happening. Part of my brain knows that things are progressing, and soon I will be meeting with new teachers and starting my work in their classroom. At the same time, I don’t believe it, and if someone were to tell me that these past three-years, I have been working at the Plan had not happened at all. I would want to believe them because while it has been good and even great at times. Still, it just doesn’t feel real. And I spend a lot of time thinking about how things might be different if I stayed in the classroom.

I am sure I will feel different, if not today, sometime next week. I often have the same thoughts during a race, when suddenly, the idea that everything I am doing is dumb and meaningless gets hold of me.

“And why did I sign up for this anyway?!”

“Whose idea was this?!”

“Why would anyone choose this?”

It does go away but for a while, I am silenced by the thoughts, and I cannot help feeling like I want to hide, yet I still go on and focus on my breathing and the ground and finding that next spot to place my foot. This too will pass.