Day 4,407—1 Run Until the Berryman 52: Packing Tonight! —

 

Start time: 4:47 a.m.

Weather: High 40s, 4-6 mi/h wind

There are always so many different things I want to write about when I am thinking in the morning. I had this whole essay on why the idea surrounding “everything happens for a reason” is harmful and comes from a place of privilege. I was going to start with something like “It is easy to say everything happens for a reason when your minor setbacks have led to learning opportunities, but it is much more difficult to believe when you watched your brother die in front of you when you were ten.” I got nothing against individuals who are just trying to make lemonade out of lemons, but the idea of a moral center or justice in the world is harmfully naïve about history and the current state of routine harm to people who experience the most need.

        I was also thinking about writing about my experience at the library last week when I took my kids there. A child was there who played with my daughter. She told me she was almost 7 and that school and living at home were difficult. She begged me to read to her, and then, when I tried to. She read a book to me instead. She told me her mom was “working on the computers upstairs.” I never met her mom, but I was there for roughly an hour before I left. I signed her in to my daughter's account on the computer so she could play an educational reading game.

        I was also going to write about how hard it has been to do pushups this month and how I keep seeing the same person sleeping on the ground by the bus stop. She covers herself with a tarp and has been there every morning for the past two weeks. I was going to write about this book I am reading now and how it is about depression which I was enjoying at first but I just read this morning that the author died from suicide when he was 32, and now I am having a harder time reading it but I was going to write about my parents how self-righteous they’re and how their lacking awareness has made it easier for me to blame myself when people mistreat me but I am getting better at spotting it. I was going to write about... maybe I will be able to write about all the things I want to write about one day, but today is not that day.