Day 2,714 —What it is Like to be Alone— with my PICTURE of a DEER

Loneliness and isolation have always been key characteristics of my life; however, I have never lived alone, and I have been in some sort of monogamous relationship for the past 18 years. So, how would a guy like me know anything about isolation and loneliness? Those of you who have been single most of your life, or not surrounded by friends and family, most likely believe they understand what it is to be alone much more fully than I do. I would agree they understand it differently than I do, but not necessarily in the same way. 

Because I am different and often misunderstood, people make assumptions about me, usually due to some perception of their identity, and they treat me as an outsider, an alien, an other. What often happens is that people love me or hate me, but rarely know enough about me to fully understand why. 

As a young kid, I remember having a flyer up at my church offering to shine shoes for a price. There was a girl that was about my age who put up a similar sign on the bulletin. My feelings were hurt that she would just copy my thing and do that to me. Encouraged by some other kids, I took her piece paper off the bulletin and threw it away. I knew what I did was wrong, but I thought what she was doing was wrong, but no adult wanted to listen to me. 

Instead, I was lectured by the adults and told to apologize to the girl for what I did. The adults never seemed interested in why I was acting out, or why my feelings might matter too. They instead viewed me as “in the wrong,” and I needed to be “more understanding” of others. 

This story has been repeated throughout my life in various ways. I would like to believe I respond better when people offend me (I usually just keep it to myself), but still today I am often told directly or through behavior that my feelings don’t count, but at the same time I need to be aware and accepting of other people’s feelings. 

My type of loneliness does not get better when people are physically around you, or when you have active relationships in your life. It is always there no matter what you do. It is ready to remind you that nobody can really see you for who you are.